Humberto Suazo: the fat boy who helped transform Zaragoza's season

Posted Tuesday, April 06, 2010 by theguardian.com

The Chilean striker's recent heroics mean his nickname Paquirrín is now seen in a different light

And they called him Paquirrín. They called him Paquirrín on the pitch, Paquirrín in the press and Paquirrín in the car park. Behind the metal barrier outside the Romareda, Real Zaragoza's fans waited impatiently, angrily, for the players. First out were Roberto Fabían Ayala and Ewerthon – "shameless sons of bitches!" Next came Javier López Vallejo - "That's not a goalkeeper, it's a cabaret whore!" And then new signing Humberto Suazo. A shout went up: "Hey, Paquirrín!" A glance over his shoulder, a quick scan of the car park and a colossal 4x4 pulled up. Another shout, "Cheerio, Paquirrín!", and everyone burst out laughing. They had to or else they'd cry. As the Chilean climbed in, he shot a confused look across the crowd and wondered: Paquirrín? Who the hell is Paquirrín? They've been calling me that all day.

Oh dear. Paquirrín. It might have been a superficial sobriquet and said in jest but many a true word is and it was no compliment. In fact, it was about as cruel a cuss as could be conjured up. Kiko Rivera, better known – and he is tragically well known, gracing the cover of ¡Hola! before his first birthday – as Paquirrín. Son of bullfighter Francisco Rivera, who died in the ring, and flamenco singer Isabel Pantoja, "The Widow of Spain". The poor little rich boy, Spain's most famous fatty – a useless lump of lard with no discernible function except wasting money and whining, the kid who ignored the Dean's advice and decided that fat, drunk and stupid is a way to go through life. As balding as he is bulging, and talentless too. Not exactly the man you want to be likened to. But exactly the man Suazo was being likened to.

Unfairly. But understandably. At least to start with. It was mid-January and Suazo had just been unveiled for Zaragoza, joining the club on a six-month deal with an option to buy from Mexico's Monterrey. The world's best striker in 2006 according to the IFFHS, Mexican Footballer of the Year 2009 and top scorer during the 2010 World Cup qualifiers, at last Zaragoza's new coach José Aurelio Gay had the striker he demanded to get the goals they desperately needed. "I'm going to blow the match apart on Sunday," Suazo announced, "you'll see: bim-bam, goal!"

More like "ba-dum, tish!" Zaragoza's opponents were Xérez, bottom with one win in 17, having scored seven times – on course to be the worst team ever – but still Zaragoza couldn't score. Still Suazo couldn't. In fact, he could barely run, was having trouble standing, and didn't seem to be able to kick the ball straight, sending it off at obtuse angles. He gasped for air and grabbed at his head in terror, puffing away like he'd keel over any minute. One television station played his performance back to cartoon sound effects, Wile E. Coyote skedaddlling across a marble-strewn floor and into the wall. Kazoos accompanied his shots; huge cymbal crashes his graceless tumbles on to the turf.

He just was not very good. Bald and barrel chested, he was also looked a bit ... well, fat. And so, never mind the fact that he already had a nickname – Chupete, the dummy, in honour of 'Chupete' Hormazabal who played for Colo Colo in the 1970s and 80s – by the time Suazo was replaced by Jermaine Pennant, the tag had stuck. As he trudged dejected off the pitch, they were all at it. Paquirrín! Paquirrín!

"He looks fat, but he's a rock," Zaragoza's physical coach protested. "You'd be surprised if you saw him topless. He's a mule." At 5ft 7in and 11st 9lbs, fans weren't convinced. They also feared that he might be more donkey than mule – and fear is the word. It was the halfway stage of the season, Zaragoza were second bottom and in trouble. They'd picked up just three victories, collecting 14 points, and were three points adrift of safety. They hadn't won for 10 games and were staring at a third relegation in nine years. They were staring into the abyss: hit by an institutional and financial crisis – they admitted being €100m in debt – and with no parachute payment, going down could mean going out of business. Some fat bloke from Chile wasn't going to help.

Only he was. And, although he arrived four kilos overweight, struggling for fitness, Zaragoza's physical trainer is right. Suazo isn't really fat. Gigantic and a very odd shape, yes; blessed with short, stubby legs, a bizarrely round body, an oversized arse, glistening hairless skull, and Gladstone Small's neck, sure. But not actually fat. And definitely not rubbish. In fact, forget that first game, he's proven to be what those in Chile and Mexico said he was: quick, strong, clever, technically gifted and cool in front of goal.

Importantly, he's not alone, either. Last time they were in the First Division, Zaragoza tried everything, including four different coaches, and it made no difference – the side that was too good to go down proving that they weren't too good to go down with relegation on the final day. This time they tried getting a new coach, sacking Marcelino. This time, they also tried getting a whole new football team. And, this time, it worked.

With the economic crisis gripping, only three sides signed anyone during the winter transfer window. Zaragoza broke the trend. They ditched the players that Gay, the interim coach who became the permanent coach, didn't want. Ayala, López Vallejo, Braulio and Ewerthon went. Despite arriving late three times in a fortnight and getting stopped by the Guardia Civil, despite the fact that Zaragoza actually bought him to sell him, Jermaine Pennant didn't. Mainly for the same reason that Zaragoza's cunning plan didn't work: few teams wanted him.

Meanwhile, seven new footballers arrived, for a total of €400,000. They weren't any old players, either. Of the starters that beat Málaga 2-0 on Saturday, six were new: Roberto in goal, Jiri Jarosik and Matteo Contini at the back; Edmílson in midfield, and Eliseu and Suazo up front, with Adrián Colunga on the bench. Then there's Carlos Diogo, who might as well be a new signing, having finally made his debut this season in mid-December.

The impact has been immediate. Having picked up just 14 points in the first half of the season, Zaragoza have already picked up 18 in the second half; from three wins in 18, to five in 11. Over the second half, only Real Madrid, Barcelona and Almería have collected more points. Roberto, Jarosik and Edmílson have given them solidity and of their last 20 goals 12 have come from new signings – three for Colunga, two for Jarosik, one each for Contini and Eliseu … and five for Suazo.

They've been important goals too – and not just because he celebrated them by tearing off his shirt to reveal a message of support to earthquake-hit Chile. At fellow strugglers Tenerife and Valladolid he got vital equalisers, against Getafe he got both in a 2-0 win, and this weekend he scored the goal that settled it against Málaga with a cleanly taken volley. It was his first at the Romareda, securing a victory that carried Zaragoza six points clear, giving them a two-game cushion for the first time in 20 weeks and a two-team cushion too, climbing above Racing Santander and Málaga. "We're not safe," Gay said, "but we've taken a giant step."

When Suazo was replaced this weekend, he was again greeted with shouts of Paquirrín. But Zaragoza's fans have learnt to love him just the way he is. This time there was a very different tone and an extra line to the chant that first appeared back in January. "Paquirrín, Paquirrín," they shouted, "don't go getting thin!"

Talking points
Real Madrid are on fire! Literally, this time, not metaphorically. Metaphorically, they're not even smouldering. Hell, metaphorically, they haven't even got a box of matches, let alone a can of petrol, something to burn and a look of mischief in their eyes. Their hotel in Santander caught a blaze this weekend; their game in Santander most certainly didn't. A Cristiano Ronaldo penalty and another goal from Gonzalo Higuaín - his 24th of the season - completed a 2-0 win that was very, very, very boring. Perhaps there's a reason why "Higuaín doesn't pass to Ronaldo" [sic]: when he does, the Portuguese clown only goes and puts it over the bar from two yards. It was much, much worse – really – than Ibrahimovic's against Arsenal.

• Madrid had to win (like anyone doubted they would), after Barcelona beat Athletic Bilbao 4-1 on Saturday night. Pep Guardiola put out a bizarre team – even more bizarre, in fact, than he intended as Bojan Krkic replaced Zlatan Ibrahimovic after the Swede got injured in the warm up. Bojan scored twice, Messi got one and so did Jeffren. Real Madrid and Barcelona have now racked up 67 of the last 72 points available to them. Still, at least they can't both win on Saturday night: on Saturday night, it's the clásico.

• It's probably too late for Xérez but bloody hell are they making a go of it. They're still bottom and eight points off safety but they have lost just one of their last seven and won three times. That's more than in the previous 24 weeks put together. They're scoring goals too now. More than Espanyol who might just be the dullest team in La Liga. And that's saying something. In fact, the other day this column was trying to work out how many teams are actually genuinely worth watching this season and could only come up with six or seven. At a push.

• As for Valladolid, they're looking increasingly doomed. As new coach Onésimo Sánchez puts it: "My stats are worthy of sacking me." One win in 15, they're now seven points off safety. And there's trouble too after players were caught going wild in Salamanca the day before a game. Fans turned up at training to berate them, while Onésimo insisted: "It's not my job to be a policeman."

• Sometimes you despair of ex-pro eejits on the telly. David Villa is not a 20 goal a season striker? No? Let's look at the stats this season, shall we? Oh, look, he's now got 20 league goals, with eight weeks still to spare. And he got 28 last year and 25 in 2005-06. Since joining Valencia – that's Valencia, not Madrid or Barcelona – he has scored 106 goals. That's an average of – oh look! – more than 21 a season. And this season isn't over yet.

Results: Zaragoza 2-0 Málaga, Sevilla 3-0 Tenerife, Sporting 2-2 Xérez, Almería 1-1 Mallorca, Racing 0-2 Madrid, Barcelona 4-1 Athletic, Valladolid 0-2 Villarreal, Getafe 1-1 Espanyol, Valencia 3-0 Osasuna, Atlético 3-0 Deportivo